How To Rise Above Toxic Management
Me presenting our published legal thesis at Harvard Law School
I was 26 years old, a newly graduated lawyer, and had just published a thesis in the Harvard Journal of Law and Technology co-authored with an amazing American law professor. We were invited to Harvard Law School to present our publication as it was a hot topic in the world of data privacy law.
A senior lawyer colleague told me a few days before I was going to fly to Boston: “Sanna, you’re going to be a rockstar, enjoy the moment in the spotlight you’ve worked hard for”. He believed in me. So did my other wonderful colleagues, who looked forward to watching the live recording.
Someone who was NOT supportive was my manager. Instead of wishing me good luck, she said these exact words: “If you FUCK this up both you and I are going to get fired!” followed by “This is NOT your time to shine!”.
The day of the presentation I woke up with fever and jetlag. Her comment was repeating itself like a broken record inside my head and made me really sad, but I was confident in my ability to master the subject. At that moment I decided that my go-getter-athlete mentality had to be stronger than this, but HOW?
A few minutes before I was going to speak in front of the most brilliant audience consisting of Harvard lawyers, brain researchers from MIT, and various CEOs, I visited the Harvard bathroom. I did some power poses in the mirror to increase my testosterone levels and decrease my stress hormones, and thought to myself: If being 26 years old and working extremely hard to write, publish, and present a legal thesis at the top university in the world is NOT my time to shine, then WHEN is? I refused to let her doubt in me become my own doubt. I knew I could do this. And I DID.
The presentation was flawless and afterward, Harvard professors asked if I would consider a career as a Harvard professor. Back in the office, I was congratulated for our success. That week I had two meetings with my manager, discussing work-related topics. Not a single word from her about the big presentation - not that week or the following week, month, or year. I realized that silence speaks louder than words and I understood that the silence in this case had spoken more about her doubt in herself than her doubt in me.
Sometimes we are too quick to take comments personally without reflecting on other potential underlying reasons for someone’s toxic behavior. It is difficult to accept that we might never fully understand why people treat us a certain way or can’t feel happiness for our success. All we can do is build up so much mental strength that will allow us to stand calmly and confidently when the storm of doubt hits us. This psychological immunity will be the strongest weapon against getting dragged into someone else’s black hole.
“How other people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.” - Wayne Dyer.
