From Stressed-Out High Achiever – To A Complete Crash And 4 Years Long Burnout – To Start Living A Wonderful Life in Balance

Michael Gungor once said: “Burnout happens when you avoid being human for too long”. I couldn’t agree more. I have spent the past four years of my life (Yes, you read it correctly, four YEARS (!)) on full-time sick leave from my lawyer work due to not just one, but two burnouts, followed by an additional two years to slowly increase my workload and get back on track. Two horrible, massive, stress-related burnouts. 

I have hesitated many times to post this since I have felt so much shame over how this could happen to me, but have now decided that I have to break the stigma around mental illness and stress. I have to, we have to, speak about it until there is no stigma left. We have to talk about the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable. Burnout seems to be the epidemic of our lifetime with, in my home country, in tiny Sweden alone, almost 40 000 people at this very second being on sick leave from work due to stress-related burnout! This equals to 4 % of the population or almost every 25th person you meet. And if we add to this everyone who has been on sick leave and still suffers from the long-term effects that can last up to 8 years, or everybody who is having all the burnout symptoms now, but is still able to work somewhat well and therefore fall outside these statistics, this number is much – MUCH – higher! In Sweden alone, over 50 % of the workforce report being worried that work-related stress will negatively affect their mental health in the future, and statistics present horrible numbers revealing that on average 2 people every day die (!) from stress-related illnesses. Statistics from my union in Sweden also show that it is twice as common for people with a university degree working in a profession with high salaries and high status to develop mental illness compared to people without a university degree working in professions with lower salary and status. 

The burnout “pandemic” is unfortunately not an issue isolated to Sweden alone. Across the Atlantic, a study made in the U.S. showed that 23 % of the employees reported feeling burned out very often or always while another 44 % reported feeling burned out sometimes. We normally burn out from life in general, but usually, our work situation can be a large contribution to the stress. Some reported reasons for work-related burnout are unfair treatment at work, unreasonable deadlines, unmanageable workload, lack of support from managers, and the stress of having to respond to emails and texts after work. Work-related burnouts attribute to healthcare spending of around USD 150 billion per year in the U.S. alone and it’s connected to type 2 diabetes, chronic heart disease, gastrointestinal issues, high cholesterol, and death — so it’s clearly a health problem to take action on now. 

Being burned out is a hidden handicap, which means that it is not as visible as a broken leg would be, where we would naturally ask how they are doing and if they need any help. Since there is so much stigma around mental illness, the person suffering from burnout might not even tell you, and perhaps they might not even have accepted it for themselves yet that they are sick.

The burned-out person could even be the one smiling the most and being the happiest in your group of friends — what you don’t know is that this person, who might have actually been genuinely happy to see you for 30 minutes, just gave you their last energy of the day and will now go home and sleep for five hours to recover since their brain is completely exhausted. As I said, a hidden handicap. This used to be me.

Some of us are or have been burned out, many of us know someone who is or has been burned out, and ALL of us know what stress feels like. All of us. If you, just like the great majority of people in this world, are living a modern life with expectations, responsibilities, and daily challenges – usually without complete inner awareness, a crystal clear life purpose, and conscious balance — burnout can happen to you. No one is immune to this, no one.

Burnout starts with unmanageable stress. So what is stress? The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines stress as “the reaction people may have when presented with demands and pressures that are not matched to their knowledge and abilities and which challenge their ability to cope.” What’s important to mention is that stress in itself is not inherently bad. Short-term stress, or acute stress, is, and has always been, vital for our survival. Just imagine our ancestors many thousands of years back living on the savanna not being able to use the “fight-or-flight” system, which is short-term stress, or acute stress, to run away from a tiger. Without it, we wouldn’t be here today. In our modern lives, we use the same short-term stress when running to catch a bus or when stretching ourselves for a while to finish a work task before the deadline. It serves a purpose. We can strain ourselves with stress for a short period of time with excellent results and with no harm to our physical or mental health, but when we make no time for recovery after a period of short-term stress, we might start feeling the symptoms of long term stress, or chronic stress, (sleep issues, irritability, stomach ache, memory loss, sensitivity to sounds and light – I share my own examples further down below), that will actually have the opposite and negative effect our performance and wellbeing. If the long-term stress goes on for too long (clinically they usually say at least 6 months, for me, it was around 7-8 years of long-term stress!) it may start to physically affect and shrink areas of the brain – and it will eventually lead to burnout.

I have decided to share everything I have learned the hard way on my long, horrible, and extremely difficult journey back to mental wellness — things I wish I knew before I got sick. My journey describes how I went from Sanna 1.0 to Sanna 2.0. — from “WonderWoman” to “WonderBalance”. In short, how I have gone from living after the 3 P:s – Performance – Prestige – Perfection to valuing the 3 B:s – Balance – Beauty – Be. You will understand what I mean when you keep on reading. 

By setting my ego aside and fear about what people will think of me, and opening up with vulnerability and honesty, perhaps I could help someone in need – before it is too late and before they enter the burning hell of living with a burned-out brain. Trust me when I say that stress is not cool. Being “so busy” is not cool. However, being in balance is something to aim for, and my mission is to help you do just that. I have therefore created this website and blog, where I will share my thoughts and tips on mental health, stress management, and how to live a sustainable life in balance, in WonderBalance. You will in the future also be able to be coached by me as a soon-to-be certified Purpose and Balance Coach by the Jay Shetty Certification School in collaboration with the International Coaching Association as I will open my own Life Coaching business. But first, in order to understand my challenging journey and how I got to realize this clear life purpose of mine, I will share My Burnout Story. It’s raw, it’s honest, and it’s straight from my heart. So let’s take it from the beginning and let’s get personal…

My Burnout History

Throughout my life, I have heard people in my surroundings describing me as “WonderWoman” and asking me how I was always able to perform on top and have the ability to do everything in life successfully. Everything. With perfection. I was often asked how I managed timewise to do everything I did, if I had more than 24 hours in my day, and if I was even human.

Already as a child, I was extremely ambitious, driven, and hard-working. I was that disgustingly happy and positive person who didn’t really have any problems. I loved learning, improving, and challenging myself, and I loved the satisfying feeling of accomplishment. To set a big goal, work hard for it, and then reach it. To always be the best. I loved the dopamine rush I got when reaching a goal, almost like an inhuman feeling of immortality. In order to excel in everything I did, stress became my default state of being. I was living my life at a fast speed: my thinking, talking, and walking – everything was fast and efficient. Always efficient. No time to waste. If I had 30 minutes to spare in my day, I would never “waste” it on watching TV. There was always more studying to be done or why not go out for another run?! It might sound crazy and as if I wasn’t enjoying life, but in fact, I loved my life! I didn’t mind the stress and had no intention to change my way of living since I was developing a “winning concept” that was taking me exactly where I wanted to be in life.

Early Success – “WonderWoman” and Sanna 1.0

Before I had even turned 27 years old I had (to mention a few things, some of which I even did simultaneously) graduated from high school with the highest grades in all subjects, gotten awards and scholarships for both my performance in school and as an athlete, graduated from the top law school in Sweden, where I got an award for best Master of Laws thesis in the country, studied law in the U.S.A., worked at a large top international law firm in Boston, been a Manager for an international academic law program, been a legal Research Assistant for a senior American law professor, worked at an internet law research center at Harvard Law School, worked at adidas legal department in Amsterdam as well as at the legal department of Google’s European Headquarters in Dublin, and held the title as Legal Privacy Counsel at IKEA. I had published a legal thesis in the Harvard Journal of Law and Technology and presented the publication globally live-streamed at Harvard Law School. On top of this, I had been a semi-professional athlete and played handball in the highest division in Sweden (with about 12 practices and games per week!), in the Swedish Junior National Team, as well as in the U.S., where I participated in the U.S. National Championship. I eventually turned down a full-time professional contract with another handball club abroad due to a back injury and to be able to focus on law school. 

In addition to being successful in law and handball, I had also worked as a fashion model – both nationally and internationally. I was always on the go with new ideas and exciting projects. I traveled a lot to different countries and discovered many beautiful new places and wonderful people. Between the age of 23 and 27, I lived in four different countries: Sweden – the USA – the Netherlands – and Ireland. Every new country entailed a new adventure, but also a whole new world to adapt to. If you think it’s exhausting to read about all this — try living it!! I lived my life following what I call “The 3 P:s”: Performance – Prestige – Perfection. I was living with the motto that “Nothing is impossible” — and it sure wasn’t. Not a single failure. I had a loving and caring family, lots of friends around me, and a huge professional network. I was successful and constantly happy. I was living the life of my dreams..or, at least that’s what I thought.

The Crash

On the 4th of July 2016 the world as I knew it was turned upside-down. I was laying in my bed in Dublin ready to go to work when it all got pitch black. The constantly shining bright light in me was suddenly switched off and all my energy was gone. I needed to go from my bed to the bathroom three meters away, but it was as if the signals from my brain could not reach my legs.. so all I could do was stay in bed. I had hit the wall. A massive stress-related burnout. I had severe memory loss and could no longer remember what happened yesterday, or construct a single thought of my own. I didn’t even remember the names of my closest friends! It was like my brain was on fire, but a very blurry and messy one. I could no longer read or write one single sentence. Pretty tough situation for a lawyer, whose job is to read, write and understand complex texts all day.

At my first doctor’s visit, I just cried and cried. I, later on, understood that the Amygdala (the center in the brain controlling emotions) was exhausted and as a result very sensitive and unable to control my emotions. The doctor asked if I was suicidal and how often I cried. I answered “no, I’m not” and “every day” to his questions. After a 15 minutes assessment, he prescribed anti-depressant medication to me along with the diagnosis “General Anxiety Disorder” since the diagnosis “Burnout Syndrome” did not exist in Ireland at the time. For someone who was used to not even taking a pain relief pill when having a headache, and who had never before been sick in life, anti-depressant medication was way out of my comfort zone. At that time I didn’t want a “quick fix” as I saw it, so I refused. Well, to be frank, I didn’t even understand that I was sick. In my diluted world, I was going to return to work in a day or two. That’s all I knew. My hard handball practices have taught me to just push through. If it hurts, it hurts, but you can still play and perform. The same theory would apply to my career, I thought. 

What I didn’t know was that when the brain is completely burned out, there is no room to push through. You need your brain to tell your body to push through, but when the brain is off, the signal to the body is lost. Your energy account is on minus. The only thing left to do then is to rest, to pause, something I have never really done before. I actually didn’t know how to do it, and definitely not how to do it without a sense of guilt and feeling that I was missing out on life. The Irish doctor concluded after hearing my story, that I had been stressed out for many years with high pressure and several major achievements but with almost no rest, and that the catalysator of my acute illness was because I had been treated badly by my manager at work whom he thought showed a very jealous behavior towards me (and several other doctors that I met after him shared his view after hearing my story!) and that I was working in a very toxic environment with a recently increased workload beyond inhuman. He said that I was a very bright and beautiful young woman with extraordinary capabilities and that I will get better, but that it might take time. He also strongly recommended I try to find another job before the current work environment would break me down even further. He gave me a sick leave certificate for two weeks. Two weeks turned into three weeks, that turned into one month, two months, and suddenly, I have been sick for 1.5 years!

After this short first doctor visit, I reflected a lot on jealousy. Who would anyone be jealous of me? I found it difficult to understand since it’s very much contradictory to how I view the world. I have always wished other ambitious women the best of luck since I know how hard they have worked for their success and that they have truly earned it. I have always been a firm believer in supporting each other since the world and work climate is hard enough as it is for young women who want to make a career, especially at a large international male-dominated tech company. I have always had a growth mindset and don’t see why someone needs to be competitive since the available seats in the spotlight are not limited. Everyone who deserves one will get one, so why not help each other along the way? In any event, my doctor’s comment made it very clear to me that what I experienced now in terms of burnout symptoms was a result of me being a victim of toxic, controlling, and extremely micro-managing leadership that had very little to do with my shortcomings (which I had thought for a long time since the toxic environment had broken me down to the point where I stopped believing in myself and my capabilities), but had very much to do with my jealous manager’s lack of ability to lead with support wisely, and most importantly, to see the signs of me becoming really really sick.

My Burnout Symptoms

During the first year of sick leave, I slept 17 hours a day and was still exhausted when waking up. I cried constantly, was angry and easily irritated, impatient, and started complaining a lot (very much the opposite of my positive nature and normal problem-solving state of being). I felt hopeless in life, felt ashamed of going outside, and felt uncomfortable in my own skin as if I was trying to “get out of it”. I got anxious about practically anything and had no ability whatsoever to understand what was happening to me. All I knew was that everything inside me was different, in a very bad way. I felt a big fog inside my head as if I couldn’t understand what I was thinking or hearing. I was constantly having a cold because of an impaired immune system due to stress. I didn’t smile any longer since I couldn’t find joy or happiness in anything and I started to think, walk and talk extremely slowly since I had very little energy to do practically anything. 

Working out was no longer possible, so I could no longer count on getting dopamine and other “happiness hormones” from training. What usually would give me energy did no longer do that and very small tasks felt like gigantic problems to solve. I had nightmares almost every night, and I felt nauseous, scared, and extremely weak. It felt like I had a gigantic stone in my chest and stomach from all the mental tension. Also, my cognitive functions were impaired: I had severe memory loss, difficulty reading and writing, an attention span of less than one minute with almost no ability to concentrate on the task at hand and I couldn’t understand when someone explained even the simplest of things to me – things I would normally understand in two seconds would take me hours to fully comprehend as if the neurological connections were not there in my brain. I had difficulties finding the right words when speaking (sometimes I didn’t find them at all!), and I was unable to read, watch TV, or have a conversation for longer than 5 minutes before it felt like my brain was about to explode from all the different impressions and stimuli. I had pain throughout my body (especially in my back, stomach, and heart), and constant headaches that felt like someone was drilling inside my head. The pain in my back deriving from an old handball injury prohibiting me from going full-time professional at the time had now returned and made me immobile many days a week. 

The burnout made me so tired that I could not get out of bed, and the inactivity from laying in bed for so long made my back issues severely worse. I had to take very strong pain medication to survive the day, pills that had the side effects of making me even more tired. I had severe anxiety and difficulties taking even the smallest of decisions. I could easily spend 30 minutes in the supermarket trying to choose between buying a green or a blue toothbrush and ended up walking out of the supermarket with none of them since I wasn’t able to decide whether the green or the blue color would match with the interior in my bathroom. 

I couldn’t take rational decisions, but instead had to “feel” that my decision was the right one, but since the extreme fatigue had disconnected me from my feelings, it resulted in an inability to take decisions whatsoever. Paralyzing perfectionism and an extreme inability to take decisions made my everyday tasks almost impossible. I had issues initiating practically anything in my daily life and it would take me about two hours to get ready to leave the apartment just to go and buy toilet paper 100 meters away. Oftentimes with my black hoodie over my head trying to avoid meeting anyone I knew, especially anyone from work since I was so ashamed of being sick, of not performing at work, and, mostly, for not being able to be the “normal happy me” — and didn’t know how to explain to anyone what was happening to me, since I hadn’t yet figured that out for myself. The very few times I would meet a friend for a 30-minute tea, I would have to go home and sleep for four hours afterward to recover energy-wise. So I became passive. And stopped eating. Stopped moving. I became extremely sensitive to lights and sounds, a condition that forced me to lay in a dark room with my earplugs in my ears – for months, that turned into years. I withdrew socially from the world and fell into a dark hole of severe anxiety and depression. I had become everything I normally wasn’t. 

Just walking past the street of my workplace would make me so dizzy and so sick in my stomach that I wanted to throw up. I learned from my therapist that these were symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). I understood later on from studying neuroscience that this reaction was completely normal since our brain hasn’t developed for the past 40 000 years. The same response to fear and stress that our ancestors’ experienced when being hunted by a tiger on the savanna, was the same “fight or flight” response I experienced now in the modern world when walking past my workplace. In our primitive brain, the tiger had now been exchanged to be my manager, but the brain’s response was exactly the same: to protect myself from getting “killed”. It was exhausting and I was scared. Not just scared of what would happen when facing my tiger one day – that I could handle with “exposure therapy” with my therapist by walking past the building many times and observing my mental and bodily reactions before eventually having the courage to enter. But mostly I was scared of not being able to read, write or feel good — ever again. To be me again.

For someone who had never had a sick day in life or missed a single class during 17 years of school, suddenly getting an illness of this magnitude created an existential crisis, to put it mildly. Who am I now that I can’t perform? What will other people think of me? I was ashamed of how this could happen to me. I was ashamed for being so incredibly good at everything in life, except listening to my body. I would always help everyone else when they needed my help, but I couldn’t even help myself. By always saying Yes to everything and everyone else, I had simultaneously said No to myself.

Who Burns Out? And Why?

Before I got sick I had associated burned-out people on sick leave with weak people who just didn’t have the same capacity as the rest of us. I now learned the hard way that this couldn’t be further away from the truth. Extremely ambitious people, oftentimes the “overachievers” who never rest, and have a people-pleasing attitude combined with a caring personality and difficulty saying “no” are overrepresented in the burnout statistics. They burn out. The lazy ones don’t. They rest. You have to have a burning fire in order to burn out. Ambitious people are constantly on fire. They are always “on” and never “off”. Never in resting mode. My fire had been burning for way too long and the light was completely burned out. Black.

Up until that point I had been living inside my head – in the “doing and thinking mode” with my head telling me to continue pushing for more success and more sensational achievements, even if my body was desperately screaming to stop. All bodily warnings of a massive stress-related burnout had been there for many years, but since my mind and body at that time were not aligned to communicate effectively with each other, I had no idea that my body had been screaming for help for many years and giving me sign after sign that something was not right. Signs that I had been ignoring. Why? Because I never learned how to feel, and simply wasn’t able to understand those signs that my body desperately had been trying to show me.

My crash was a painful result of what long-term stress and pressure without any rest can do to the brain, and many medical researchers have described the symptoms experienced in burnout as similar to the ones in a stroke.

I knew I had to but wasn’t sure how, to learn to connect my mind and my body. To access the “being and feeling” mode, where I would feel with my body as opposed to just thinking with my brain. The more I thought about it, I realized that I had probably built up for this to happen for about seven years or so. Burnout doesn’t come suddenly, it is a slow process and caused by a variety of different factors. For me, it was long-term stress and pressure without any rest, constant change of environment when moving from county to country, a toxic work environment, micro-managing manager, an inhuman workload, and trying to be the best of the best in a highly competitive environment. This in combination with my perfectionistic and people-pleasing personality was the ultimate recipe for burnout — always striving to exceed and to be perfect, not just in one but in all aspects of life. 

On top of all this, I was never really present in the present moment. Even when I was on a dreamy vacation at a luxury resort and laying in the sun by the infinity pool or at the private catamaran with my own chef and bodyguard on board, I was already planning my next vacation. When I was working at my dream job, I was writing an application for my next, perhaps even better, job. Always one step ahead, thinking that the grass might be greener over there.

Success after success had come, but while I had heard other people congratulating me for my achievements, I had never really been able to feel the pride internally. It was almost like I expected it and didn’t allow myself to enjoy it since I was scared that was going to lead to some kind of relaxed attitude that would stop me from reaching even higher. The fact that I spent a large part of my adult life in “elitist” environments: the best of the best and the top of the top regarding both law schools, handball teams, and workplaces, had made its mark on me. The bar of accomplishments and brilliance was set extremely high in all those places. The least smart person in these surroundings would still be the smartest and most accomplished person that most people in this world have ever met. It was deeply rooted in the culture of the school and these workplaces that we are there because we are smart and hard-working. For example, when applying for a position at one of the companies I worked for, the chance of actually getting a job was 0.0025 %. So when I eventually, after lots of preparation and 7 hard interviews, got in, I was very eager to “prove them right” and have them understand that they hadn’t made a mistake when hiring me. This company was very good at making us, the “selected ones”, feel very special with free five-star breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the office with master chefs serving us every day, a free gym, a swimming pool, a doctor, a dietitian, massage therapists, and dentists on-site. While these perks were wonderful, they were simultaneously adding to the pressure of performing In order to feel worthy of it, so most nights after having dinner in the office we would go back to our desks and continue working in order to live up to the very high targets set by our managers. Always with the internal fear of getting fired if not living up to it. 12 hours work days were normal and everyone knew that if you didn’t work hard and live up to the expectations, there was a long line of people waiting to take your spot. This pool of extreme talents willing to work hard and get the experience of working for this large and popular company made it possible for them to hire someone with a Masters Degree in Business from Harvard University and ability to speak 4 languages fluently to work in an entry-level customer service position.

Some of my very best friends today are from my time at this company and some of my most memorable moments in life happened while working there, so I am forever grateful for all the good things arising from this experience. Most people getting hired were overly ambitious, intelligent, wonderful, social, good-looking, and successful; all used to be at the top of their class in their home countries. Now, that we were all gathered together, the air in the office was filled with people trying to be the best shining versions of themselves every single day while doing a great effort trying to hide their “impostor syndrome”, everything became more stressful. In order to stand out in a room full of really intelligent people, you have to raise your level even higher. You have to become inhuman.

Stress and performance, therefore, became the default in my life. I didn’t feel stressed, it was just my life. It wasn’t like I was running too fast and suddenly hit a wall, but more like I had lived my whole life not knowing that there even potentially could be a wall. Up until that point, I had lived my life as if I was immortal, unbeatable, and, most importantly, without limits. My parents have always been very caring and supportive, never pushing, and actually been the ones telling me to rest, eat, and take it easy. But my passion for what I was doing and inner drive to succeed were extremely strong, and unfortunately, a stressed-out brain has no ability to listen to even the kindest of parental advice. 

10 Days In Silence At The Vipassana Meditation Retreat

After meeting with 16 different doctors, psychologists, nurses, and psychiatrists having several blood tests taken, brain scans, and numerous sessions on the therapist’s sofa to understand why I was so extremely exhausted, I was able to get out of my dark bedroom in Dublin. My burned-out brain had decreased in size in some areas due to long-term stress and from being on fire for too long, so it needed to cool down. To get rid of all the brain fog. It needed silence. Complete silence. I had read that meditation could help “grow” some areas of the brain back to their normal size, or even larger and better than before. I searched online for “where can I find complete silence?” and the search result led me to a 10-day complete silent meditation retreat in the rainforest of New Zealand. I felt strongly that this is what I have to do to get healthier, so off I went on a soul-searching and life-altering journey.

I learned the art of meditation and to accept what is, whatever that is. I learned that acceptance is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Sitting down on the floor to meditate 12 hours per day for 10 days in complete silence with all different kinds of thoughts, with my back pain deriving from my time as a semi-professional athlete, unresolved inner conflicts from different parts of life, and fear (for me lots of fear of terrorists after having been close to death in the Boston Maraton Bombings!) bubbling up to the surface is indeed my definition of uncomfortable. But it is only when we dare to stay in discomfort and silence without distracting ourselves that we can gain real insight and personal growth. With the help of the Vipassana meditation technique, I started to dig myself out of my dark hole, one day at a time. I accepted what is, I removed half of my back pain, which is the mental part of the pain — the physical part of the pain visible in scans is still there, unfortunately. I knew I was far away from reaching it, but little by little I started to feel that the happy and energetic Sanna was still there, somewhere. I started to see a small glimpse of light in the very dark tunnel. If you are curious to dig deeper into my meditation adventure and reflections on it, I have written a blog article about my Vipassana meditation experience, called 10 Days In Silence, which you can find here.

The Exit Interview And Harvard Presentation

After 1.5 years of sick leave in Ireland and around 75 doctor visits in total, I felt that my brain was back on track. It was wonderful to see that the cognitive abilities were there and actually even sharper than before my burnout. My brain had rested, and that was vital for its survival, for my survival. I was happy, calm, and centered, had better memory, and enhanced focus, and after passing a difficult privacy law (my area of expertise) exam with the best possible score, I was happy to accept a new, higher, position within my field of law at another large international company closer to my parents. I decided to leave Ireland and Dublin. But first, I had an exit interview with my manager and our Human Resource Manager (HR), which I had prepared for 1.5 years in therapy. This was one of the most emotional and difficult conversations I have ever had, but I knew that I had to do it in order to close that chapter and turn the page in my book of life. 

I expressed gratitude for all the wonderful things about the company and my sweet colleagues, but since they asked for it, I also gave very honest feedback to my manager and HR regarding the work environment. Previously in life, I would never have dared to do this, to be so open, vulnerable, and honest since I would be scared that this would hurt their feelings. But one thing I have learned during my sick leave was that being silenced, keeping my emotions within for too long, and always trying to please everyone in fear of not being liked, would result in mental illness, so it was time for me to stand confidently in my own positive energy and speak up. I obviously did it delicately without hurting anyone. I shared my burnout story as well as some well-chosen and thoroughly formulated parts of my horrible and toxic work situation with the toxic manager who would, for example, smile at my face while simultaneously stabbing me in the back. My daily experiences of micro-managing would go so far that my manager, to mention one out of many examples, would call me in for a 30-minute meeting at a very busy time, where I assumed we would discuss a high-profile case I was working on regarding a litigation in my market. Instead, she used all the time to go over one very simple email I had sent to one of my closest colleagues, whom I’m always collaborating very well with. My manager commented on the “tone of voice” in my email and asked me to rewrite the email (and share it with her) moving one of the sentences further down. Having worked in international environments for several years, I had become very skilled in addressing people of different nationalities differently depending on cultural differences and adapting my directness, language, and tone of voice accordingly. This situation was no different. The receiver of this email was a Dutch lawyer and when I asked her about it, she had no comments and even thought it was ridiculous how far the micro-managing had gone – this was how we wrote to each other every day and this was working very well in our relationship! The only person it was not working for was my manager, and unfortunately, with the uneven power dynamic that’s always the case between a manager and an employee, my future as an employee at my dream job depended on her liking me. I had never before in my life not been liked, so my response to this was simply to try even harder. Adapting even more and started to work longer hours to keep up with a brain that was slowly shutting off. A strong Sanna would in such a meeting have been able to ignore or handle such comments knowing that I have gone through the most prestigious law school in both Sweden and the U.S. and gotten awards for best student in English and literature prior to this. I knew how to write an email, let alone write a whole legal thesis and have it published at Harvard! A strong Sanna would also have relied on the fact that I had taken a well-grounded decision to send that email just the way it was sent, after proofreading it at least 3 times and with my sense of perfection thinking about all the details, tone of voice, and similar. I should just have trusted my ability. However, a micro-managed Sanna on the verge of burnout and scared of getting fired every day I walked to work did instead cry and apologized — and even agreed to rewrite the email.

Burned-out Sanna was an easy target for this kind of leadership (or lack thereof!). Little by little the huge desire to do something really good for the company (that I loved so much and still do!) along with a humble confidence in my ability to do really well in my field of law (that I had when starting to work there) was torn down, one day at the time. All “power techniques” possible in the school book of manipulation were used towards me — everything from silent treatment to ignoring me when I held a meeting by instead typing an email simultaneously about everything that I did wrong in the meeting; an email that would be sent to me and the other participants right afterwards, to giving me contradictory instructions and constant complaints. For example, if I did A when told to do A, I would when having finished the work, be told that I should have done B. And when I then apologized and adapted accordingly to do B, I would get the question of why I didn’t do A. Unpredictable behavior, where my manager would make me cry in a meeting and ten minutes later show me something on her phone she thought was funny to force me to laugh in front of the team. Destabilizing me. One step at a time. Removing me without notice from important projects that I was passionately and successfully working on and saying that there was no “business justification” for me to continue working on it when there was all business justification in the world to proceed with this project since it was the highest priority for the company. Asking me to perform better, when I did go above and beyond, it was not good enough, never good enough. Always complaints, never encouragements. Measuring social interactions on email, such as how frequently we would be writing “awesome job!” to our colleagues when doing something good and putting the manager on copy in the email to show her that we are supportive colleagues, always never felt completely genuine to me. A genuine colleague would be able to help another colleague without the manager ever knowing about it. We were also expected to complete a large number of cases every week (a very high target!), and do extra project work but without working overtime. The equation did not go together! Performing the best you have ever done in life, both work-wise and socially, would at this company be seen as an average performance, at best. Ironically, these are the things that I also loved about this company: the opportunity to work really hard on interesting subjects with wonderful like-minded colleagues from all over the world. Under different circumstances with less toxic management, and my normal brain capacity, this could have been a brilliant experience for me. I loved the company and my colleagues, but the Management simply couldn’t quite understand what I was going through.

When I one day said that I was tired (the only time I had any complaint about my workload), I would get an additional 30 % workload added to my plate along with a link to mental health professionals at the company — as if they would be able to help me when my distress was deeply rooted in the behavior of my manager! And while transparency and being open to expressing one’s opinions openly for the team was encouraged when someone actually did dare to speak up, they were punished and suddenly and silently moved to other positions and responsibilities. Silenced by management in a “doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t kind” of environment, I eventually stopped talking and started doubting my ability to do awesome things, which lead to lots of self-doubts and internal stress. The fact that the workload was constantly increasing while management asked us to be more creative, shows how little awareness they had of what is needed in order for creativity to be nourished. Creativity can only grow when the brain is at rest and get lots of encouragement, but definitely not in high-stress environments and fear mode. Worth mentioning was that I worked with cases that contained content that was to be deleted from the internet, including hard-core pornography and terrorism, which in itself was adding to the stress I experienced and witnessed on a daily basis.

After sharing my feedback in the exit meeting, the HR was in tears from hearing what I had been through, and she thanked me deeply for sharing so bravely and openly  – and even told me that it made her reflect on her own work situation and much-needed changes that she would have to do. The HR promised to take care of the issues so that my colleagues still working there would not have to suffer the way I had done. It felt amazing to leave with a smile and gratitude for all the good things and everything I loved about the company and all the brilliant people I have gotten to know there, but to also be able to be brave enough to stand up for myself and give constructive feedback to improve the work environment for my remaining colleagues. 

Before I left, I had one final thing to ask my manager. Although burnout usually happens after long-term stress with no rest in life in general and at work in particular, there is usually one situation, when it just becomes overwhelming. The last effort before the big crash. For me, it was when I, as a 27-year-old newly graduated lawyer had my thesis (co-authored with a wonderful and well-recognized American Law Professor) published in the top publication of the world, and we were invited to present our publication at the top university of the world, Harvard Law School. Two years of hard work were going to be shared with the world. I couldn’t be happier! This presentation would be live-streamed and forever available on YouTube, and in the live audience on-site, the most brilliant brains from Harvard and MIT along with the CEOs of large companies and journalists would be present. I was very nervous and it was by far my most prestigious presentation to date. I made sure by checking with senior management and lawyers at my company that no one had any reservations about the content. 

I was good to go and they wished me good luck, and one senior and very influential lawyer at my company even said that I was going to be a “rockstar” and that I should really enjoy the moment in the spotlight and the fruit of all my hard work. My manager was on the contrary doubting me, highly questioning my abilities (for no good reason at all since this was my area of expertise and not hers, although she was great at many other things – but she was not a lawyer and she was definitely not an expert in this field!) — so much that I was in tears even just a couple of days before flying to Boston. To calm her nerves I successfully made “mock presentations” and even wrote a 13 pages manuscript of what I was going to present — and promised to not deviate a single word from this. Instead of saying “good luck” to me before this big day, she threatened me with this: “If you fuck this up both you and I are going to get fired!” followed by “This is NOT your time to shine!”. 

I flew to Boston and on the day of the presentation, I was jetlagged and had gotten a fever. On top of this, I had a threat of getting fired from my dream job if I didn’t do this right. But I wouldn’t let any of that stop me. Right before the presentation was about to begin I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, and did some “power poses” to get ready to give my big presentation. I prepared myself with positive self-talk, just like I used to do before an important game in handball, and told myself that the only way I can “win” over my manager’s bad attitude is to be brilliant and give her nothing to complain about. 

And so I did, the presentation was flawless and I didn’t deviate a single time from my 13 pages memorized manuscript! The positive feedback from the audience was really amazing, and for a moment I truly felt like a rockstar! If presenting one’s law theisis published in the top publication of the world at the best univeristy in the whole world is not my time to shine, then I don’t know when is. This is, per definition, when anyone should shine.

One senior law professor listening to the presentation loved it so much that he suggested I should highly consider becoming a law professor at Harvard Law School! Back at work, co-workers from many different divisions of the company had watched the presentation live-streamed and loved it. People were talking about it. Everyone, except my manager. I had two private meetings with my manager that week where she didn’t mention the presentation at all. Not a single word. Although I knew she was a busy woman, she had time to send funny GIFs to other co-workers and put the rest of the team on CC, but no time to comment on my huge presentation and accomplishment when everyone else did. For a manager in her position with an employee who just made a presentation at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, it would have been a brilliant opportunity for her to shine along with my success by spreading the word in the company about this big accomplishment which would simultaneously have that reflect positively on her, as my manager. But no. I waited another week for a comment thinking that she might have forgotten about it or had been sleeping under a rock for a week unaware of what everyone else was talking about. Nope. I waited a month, but still nothing. A year. Nothing. Silence. It was completely quiet from her side, but I learned from this that sometimes silence speaks louder than words!

I was so grateful that I didn’t doubt myself just because my manager did. That I didn’t let her disbelief in me win. That I managed to perform on top one last time before I crashed completely. This presentation and the whole situation around it were happening just a couple of weeks before my burnout. I had at that time been working 150-200 % for a long time with probably only 10 % energy left. Although I did mention to my manager that it had started to become hard for me to keep up at work, as written above, an extra 30 % workload was added to my desk. It was a wonder that I was even alive since my brain had been deteriorating for quite some time affecting my performance at work negatively, which my manager pointed out. But since I was not aware of this happening inside of me, I just had to work harder to keep up with work. Throughout life that had always worked for me: more work would lead to a better result. But this time it was different. It was like working in an extreme headwind trying to desperately memorize something when my memory was lost. So I read the same sentence 10 times until I understood it. Every day had become a fight against my brain. Since I still, despite the fact that I had almost no ability left to read, write, or remember almost anything, kept on pushing and performing at Harvard Law School with around 10 % left of my normal capacity and memorizing 13 pages of legal text, along with a threat of losing my job, yet lag and fever, this presentation felt even more like a HUGE accomplishment. It was like a long Iron Man competition was coming to an end and this presentation was the last thing to accomplish before crashing on the other side of the finish line. I did it, but the price to pay for my inability to feel my body’s signals screaming to stop years before my brain had started to show symptoms was high, extremely high. 

1.5 years of hell and recovery later, at the exit interview I was finally able to ask my manager one last thing: “Why did you say ‘If you fuck this up, both you and I are going to get fired?’ and ‘This is not your time to shine”? The answer I got was: “I don’t remember saying that, but I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I didn’t know this presentation was so important for you.” Me presenting at the top university of the world for the top audience of the world on a topic that was highly relevant for the daily job we were doing in the team she was leading, should not just be important for me, but also undoubtedly for my manager, and the fact that she told me that she didn’t realize how important the presentation was doesn’t really add up with her comment to me before the presentation that “both her and I would get fired if I fucked this up”. In fact, the outcome of the presentation was SO important that she thought her own employment depended on it! 

What she didn’t know was that I work very well as an underdog. As an athlete, I loved running in the rain and in bad weather conditions for two reasons: none of my competitors did it so I got an extra competitive advantage, and by being able to perform in rain, I sure could perform in sunshine! My manager clearly didn’t know what challenge to perform on top that she had set me up for by not believing in me. While it could easily have broken any other person down, I managed to persevere and succeed, against all odds. My belief in my own capacity was bigger than her disbelief in me.

At last, I got my closure. I got my apology, at least for one out of many similar incidents. And instead of feeling anger towards her, I felt sorry for her. Sorry for her emotional immaturity, for her lack of empathy. Meditation had helped me to see things from different perspectives and accept what is, whatever that is. And at that point, I could only wish her well and accept her inability to be a better manager. After me, 20 colleagues globally left, before she was let go. What she didn’t know was that this was only making me stronger, and I thank her for this life lesson. I will never, ever, let anybody treat me like that ever again. In 1.5 years of sick leave, I had gone from being silenced by management to being able to speak up – calmly and constructively – face to face. That was a big and liberating moment for me and I felt so strong, free, and extremely proud of myself. I leave the rest to karma. 

Moving Back to Sweden

I moved home to Sweden and started working in a higher position as Legal Counsel at another large global company, IKEA of Sweden. The work culture was positive and built on healthy values. I made sure to choose to accept the job offer after knowing that I would be having a sweet and supportive manager. I loved my job and was so happy to see that I was able to perform again. My cognitive abilities were back on track and my brain was sharper than ever before. However, I was hired in a crazy hectic period in this company where they had been waiting to get my competence into to organization for some time and was now happy to use me in several different large projects. I was suddenly thrown into a loop of working many hours of overtime every day. We were too few people and a mountain of work. New at work I did my very best every day to show my capacity and said “yes” to everything, and although it was a nice feeling to be wanted and needed again after a long burnout, the 4-hour-long commute to/from work in total along with the workload made me start feeling insufficient; the 24 hours of the day were simply not enough!

At the same time, one of my absolute closest and best friends suddenly died of cancer. An aggressive brain tumor took her life even before she had turned 30. My heart was in pieces and existential thoughts filled my head. If she could no longer live, then I felt like I owed it to her to really embrace every moment of every day. So I started to travel more, and do more, thinking that we don’t know how long time we have left to live. Living like this was exhausting –  like a FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) deluxe! I was in so much pain and grief. This same week as my friend left us, my wonderful and caring grandmother and role model passed away and I flew to Macedonia for her funeral. At the same time, my adorable cat had two life-threatening surgeries, and I tried to maintain a long-distance relationship between Ireland and Sweden, which was slowly coming to an end and was naturally also connected with much sadness. After many years living abroad in a vibrant flow of new people, Sweden felt quiet and strangely “new” to me although I lived most of my life here. It was a lot to adapt to moving back to my home country.

I slowly started to feel the symptoms of my first burnout returning: pain in my heart, memory loss, difficulty focusing and reading, and I was very observant since I recognized them from my first burnout. My new manager was very supportive and observant and quick to tell me to go home and rest. Unfortunately, it was already too late.

The Second Burnout

On May 9th 2018, on my 30th birthday, I had a doctor’s appointment, after which I was, again, on sick leave for a stress-related illness. Since Sweden is truly at the forefront of burnout healthcare (and it seems like we are in a burnout pandemic where mental illnesses are rapidly increasing among young women!), I got the correct diagnosis directly: burnout syndrome. It had only been six months since I felt fully healthy again, physically, but, most importantly, cognitively. So perhaps this was just a continuation of my first burnout..or could it really be a new one so quickly? What I thought would be only two weeks of sick leave turned out to be two years on 100 % sick leave from work, and then another two years thereafter to slowly come back to work and increase my workload from 0 % to 100 %. I’m now back full-time and it’s going great!

My friends have asked me how someone who seems to have so much control in life and does everything with perfection could burn out. Twice! That’s exactly the problem: To always be in control and to always be perfect is EXHAUSTING! How someone like me with so much control and perfectionism in life could burn out twice, shows us how little we know about this illness and how careful we have to be with what stimuli and thoughts we feed our brains with. All of us. Nobody, not even, or especially not, the ones who are seemingly in control of their lives and have it all “figured out”, are immune to this. My doctor and therapists in Sweden often reminded me of my default habit of thinking that I can “work my way out” of everything by just pushing a little bit harder, doing a little bit more. To perform also in my burnout. To be “the good girl” knowing everything about burnout. While this always-performing-on-top kind of attitude was clearly a winning concept in professional sports and in law school, a burnout had to be cured the opposite way: instead of thinking that doing more would equal good results, by doing less I would be able to get healthy faster. Less is better. Sleep is good. Doing nothing was simply what I needed to practice. I have to admit that this new way of thinking was uncomfortable and took some time to adapt to, but once I did, it was the beginning of real change and lasting health for me.

My friends have told me that “If you can burn out Sanna, who seems to have everything in life in order, then I definitely can too”, and they have told me that they have started to make changes to their life because of this. I became their “wake-up call”! And I also think they have understood that we don’t just burn out from stress at work, we burn out from stress in life, of which work is one part.

We might think we are in control of stress when in fact stress controls us. We might feel like we are in control of our lives when we in fact are “slaves” to the world’s expectations of us. It shows how much damage detachments from our bodies and feelings can cause. It proves that anyone can potentially burn out and that the most important cure to it is to start recognizing what our bodies are telling us. To become aware. To align our brain and body. To be whole and balanced. Not later. Not tomorrow. Now.

In this second burnout, I got so depressed that eventually, I accepted anti-depressant medication. I did lots of research and it showed that 10 % of the Swedish population takes this kind of medication. I knew that I needed a chemical substance to get out of the dark hole that I was in. I had refused such medication for three years thinking that I don’t need any help, I could “fix this” myself. Then I realized that I don’t have to be strong all the time and that there is actually a lot of strength in asking for and accepting help. There is strength in showing weakness and vulnerability, and at that point in my life, I was really weak and in desperate need of help. I had tried everything, and medication was my last resort. 

The medication enabled me to focus on the right things and actually start to heal my burnout by using different techniques I had learned from therapy, and not just be in a passive exhausted/depressed state. The work to get “out of my burnout” would simply not have been possible to do when also being clinically depressed. I knew that the withdrawal could be very difficult so I hesitated to even start with the medication, but after consuming lots of reliable information I felt much more prepared than the time when my doctor in Ireland prescribed it to me after 15 minutes of conversation, like some kind of “quick fix”. Three years later I had come to the core of my illness and made a very conscious decision to do this, for as long as it was needed, but not longer, just to get up to the surface again. 

I am now happy to say that it did work for me! It helped me to remove the depressive and anxious feelings for a while to be able to focus on getting healthy from the burnout. While taking the pills I didn’t feel like myself and it was if I was in a “bubble” where all my experiences were protected by this outer shell, and my interactions with the world were experienced accordingly. I was less in touch with my emotions and more like I was in a temporarily numb state. I didn’t get access to the very happy me, but I also didn’t get access to the very depressed and anxious me. It was a neutral state of being. It was OK for a while, and it truly helped me, but I would never ever want to stay on his medication for longer than needed. I have now gone through a tough withdrawal period and I couldn’t be more proud. I have withdrawn completely from my anti-depressant medication and have been without it for more than three years. Although I was initially extremely hesitant to take such medication, I’m retrospectively incredibly grateful that I did dare to try it and that it actually truly helped me to work on myself during this time. To live a life without medication now feels free and wonderful because I have rebuilt myself from the ground up with sustainable tools and habits making my need for the medication non-existing. 

Change and New Healthy Habits

After four years of 100 % sick leave from work divided into two parts, I have gotten so much respect for my brain — the plasticity of it and its enormous ability to improve my cognitive abilities, to preserve and bounce back to better than before, but also the sensitivity of it since it was able to burn out twice. I am now back full-time at my Legal Counsel position at a large international company and although I perform great at work and nobody on the outside can truly understand what I have been through (although I’m very open with it) since I am very engaged in my work and look healthy, I have realized that this “hidden handicap” of living with the residue of a burned-out brain, will hunt me for many years to come. It’s a constant and daily battle to maintain a sustainable balance in everything I do. If I don’t and instead put in too much activity without recovery, I feel it right away the day after and have to pay for it with an “energy hungover”. Therefore, daily habits become vital.

Our life is truly the sum of our daily actions. How we do anything is how we do everything. By creating balanced and healthy everyday habits, we optimize the chances of living a balanced and healthy life. 

The silence that I had difficulty adapting to when moving from big city life and constant buzz to much quieter Sweden, turned out to become my very best friend. I moved to a large and beautiful apartment right next to the water with my boyfriend and it’s really beneficial to my health, inner peace, and daily balance. When thinking back on my burnouts, I’m not sure whether it was two burnouts, or one long with six months “pause” in between. What I am sure of, though, is that the second time was different. While the first burnout was a shock and an existential crisis, the second burnout was when I could truly learn that I need to change my way of living — if I want to be alive at all. I had to learn to accept my current reality. Not fight against it wishing that it was different, but to actually see it for what it was. To become aware. And that’s when the real change could begin. A sustainable change. Not just for the next month or so, but forever. 

Facing change is a part of the inevitable impermanence of life. I have learned to embrace it by constantly challenging myself and throwing myself into the beautiful unknown by trying new methods to gain and sustain mental health. Life begins at the end of our comfort zones, so if we want something we have never had, then we have got to do something we have never done.

Albert Einstein once said, “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking”. Change is hard. But crashing completely and getting back on track after a stress-related burnout is harder so why not change our life for the better while we still can?

I could see a clear difference between the healthcare system in Ireland and Sweden in how they dealt with burnout. While the diagnosis “burnout syndrome” was nonexistent in Ireland, the healthcare system in Sweden had a relatively well-developed system for how to help people with these stress-related illnesses. However, it is far far away from perfect and there is much room for improvement. What I will be forever grateful for is the invaluable support and patience I got from my doctor, Social Security Agency as well as my workplace in Sweden during my sick leave and rehab period. The fact that I was allowed to slowly get back to work with a gradual increase in working hours has enabled me to create a long-lasting solution and a sustainable work life. A balanced life – a great life with room for both work and performance as well as rest and free time. In addition to all the great support from the doctor, the Social Security Agency, and my workplace, the most valuable support of all has come from my family and friends, the ones who have patiently been there by my side supporting me when I didn’t know how to support myself, and loving me when I didn’t know to love myself. The ones who have been there at my darkest point will now enjoy a version of me who is stronger, happier, and more balanced than ever before. For their support and love I am, and forever will be, extremely grateful.

Gratitude and Sanna 2.0

It’s been a hell of a ride, but oh, I am so grateful for the second burnout. This is when I really understood the seriousness of my illness and was able to make some life-altering changes to my way of living. The first burnout was a shock and the second was when I got tools and methods to prevent it from happening again. And I really love the person I have become because of it. Having two burnouts is a humbling experience, to put it mildly. Like a “close-to-death” experience, where life gives you a second, or perhaps in my case a third, chance to live — not just to live and perform, but to truly live and to see all the beauty around me. Eye-opening and wonderful.

Little did I know that first doctor visit in Ireland when I just cried uncontrollably, that getting to the other side of the burnouts would be a long, horrible, and extremely difficult journey back. But not back to “WonderWoman”, which is what I call “Sanna 1.0” — Sanna before the burnouts. Instead, I have built myself from the ground up, an upgrade to “Sanna 2.0” — who knows that my worth as a person is not depending on WHAT I do, but rather WHO I am. A redefinition of success knowing that a true WonderWoman is not the one who does everything perfectly and pushes herself to the extreme, but the one who knows when to push and when to pause. A person in balance, mental and physical balance. In WonderBalance. Someone who dares to be imperfect, genuine, and vulnerable – and who realizes that she is the only one, who deep inside, is capable of creating her own real and long-lasting happiness.

From Stressed to Blessed: From The 3 P:s To The 3 B:s

I have gone from Stressed to Blessed. My stressed life was shaped by “the 3 P:s”: Performance – Prestige – Perfection. They have now been exchanged to a blessed life following “The 3 B:s” — Balance — Beauty — Be. When we live a life in Balance we are able to see all the Beauty around us, which we could easily just miss and run by when too stressed. This also allows us to just Be — to be truly present in the present moment. Not stuck in the past or dreaming about the future, but to be right here — right now.

The past six years have taught me more about myself than the 27 years prior to my burnouts ever did. I have spent hours upon hours in therapy sessions, doctor visits, stress management courses, sleep management courses, and pain management courses. In total, over 175 doctor and therapy visits! I have been studying neuroscience to fully comprehend what was happening in my brain. I have learned a tremendous amount about everything related to my burnout, such as mental illness, how to deal with stress, performance anxiety, and depression, how to manage my energy levels, deal with perfection, and overcome fatigue. I have understood the stress-reducing effects of physical exercise and spending time in nature, what diet is good for improving brain health, how to reprogram my brain to positive habits and thinking patterns, and how to deal with self-doubt, uncertainty, fear, and worry for the future, and to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. I have learned how to embrace the power of silence and to master the art of meditation, along with a humbling experience of anti-depressant medication (and the stigma around it), and SO MUCH more.

Mental Health Is The Only True Wealth

We have to learn how to control stress before stress controls us. Mental health truly is the new wealth. In my opinion, it’s the only true wealth. We have to be smarter, both as individuals and society before we lose too many super talents in the workforce to this modern epidemic of stress and mental illness. We have to speak so much about this uncomfortable topic until it gets comfortable. Until the stigma is removed. After my burnouts, I have made several changes to my life – big and small – that have had a great impact on my energy levels, happiness, and sense of purpose in life, and I now feel better than ever before. 

With the risk of sounding cliché, I now dare to state that getting burned out was one of the best things that could ever have happened to me, and I am truly happy that it happened so early on in life so that I have many healthy years left to live in which I can share with you everything I have learned the hard way that I wish I knew before I got sick. I am sincerely grateful for the 4th of July 2016 and the 9th of May 2018. You have one single life and only you can decide how you want to live it. I have chosen to live a life in balance – in WonderBalance – and I will inspire you to do the same. I, therefore, welcome you to read my open and honest texts in my Blog and/or help me coach you to live a purpose-filled life in balance, as a soon-to-be certified Purpose & Balance Coach and owner of my own life coaching business. 

My burnout has given me the opportunity to reflect on the bigger existential questions, such as what is the meaning of being alive at all. When we come to the end of our lives, what are we going to remember? What would we have done differently if we were given the chance to live it all over again? The answer from Nadine Stair, an 85-year-old woman from Louisville, Kentucky, along with the death of my young friend who passed away from cancer, has really inspired me to live life to the fullest – to not just be alive, but to truly live. 

“If I had my life to live over again, I’d dare to make more mistakes next time. I’d relax. I’d limber up. I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances, I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but fewer imaginary ones. You see, I’m one of those people who was sensible and sane, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments. If I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else—just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I could do it again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had to live my life over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies.”

– NADINE STAIR –

Loving Life Again

When you put your hand on a really really warm stove and burn it, you will learn to never touch that spot again. I have my scars from the burnouts and they are luckily warning me every time I get close to the fire again. And, simultaneously, the scars are also serving as great reminders of how much I appreciate the person I have become and the values I have gotten because of them. I love the life I am living now. I love being close to nature and appreciate its imperfections. I love the power of now. I love the core strength and confidence I have built up, and the feeling that no matter how much the wind blows outside I have an untouchable strength inside of me keeping me stable and balanced. I love the feeling of genuine gratitude for the smallest of things in life. I love how easily I can recognize when negative stress is entering my body and trust that I have the right tools to know exactly how to handle it calmly in any given situation. I love the sound of silence and how empowered I feel these days when I do nothing. I love the empowerment I feel when I dare to say no to others because I need to say yes to myself. I love to feel that my cognitive abilities, my memory, focus, and analytical skills are back on track and even sharper than ever before. Thanks to meditation I can now access both the strategic thinking mode AND the intuitive feeling mode. I love that I have learned to trust my gut feeling and intuition about a situation or a person and to never ever doubt it again. I love how I feel whole and centered, and on the days when I don’t, I know how to get back there quickly. I love how I can master the art of letting go of what does not serve me. I love how I can prioritize myself first in order to fully be there for my loved ones when they need me. I love that I have recently given birth to a baby girl, a small person I will love unconditionally and happily share all my wisdom with – especially the importance of how to live a genuinely happy life in balance, to trust your intuition, and to be unapologetically yourself. I love that I genuinely feel strong and proud for being able to openly and unfiltered share my story with you and no longer feel ashamed of what happened to me.

Like Michael Gungor once said: “Burnout happens when you avoid being human for too long”. I feel like I have now returned to being human, and it feels wonderful. I truly love how I have gone from stressed to blessed and I can proudly say that “Wonder Woman” has now become “WonderBalanced”!