"Being successful is lonely" some people say. Why is it like that? Do we have to feel this way when being successful and sharing these positive achievements with others? Does success have to equal loneliness or can sharing one’s success perhaps even be considered an act of kindness?

The “Old Brain - New World” Dilemma

Let’s go back in time. Back to the savannah, where the roots of our behaviors today stem from. I believe we are wired to empathize more with negative emotions. Survival and the ability to stay close to the group/ tribe/herd back in the days on the savannah lie behind our brain being wired this way. Simply put, a person walking by themselves wouldn’t likely survive when facing a tiger, so belonging to a group was key, hence our skillful abilities to keep the group dynamic intact, show empathy to strengthen the group bond, etc. Now, when someone wants to share an achievement and celebrate success, it means that this person is standing "alone", and "stepping out" of the group for a second. Perhaps this could be perceived as a threat to "the ones remaining" in the group. Perhaps not. I believe it depends on our ability to understand what I call the “Old brain - new world” dilemma.

In modern life, success creates a discrepancy and enormous stress on the brain. Our old brain (fact: our brains have not developed a lot in the past 40 000 years or so!) wants to stay close to the group. The new, modern society is glamorizing success, fame, and "standing out" from the crowd. So what do we do when our brain wants one thing and our society something else? We feel torn, and this creates internal stress and also an inability to fit in wherever we go: if you stay in the comfort of the group, you are not living out your true success spirit, and if you live out your true success spirit, you risk losing the group. So you get the dilemma that you have. "Fear of success" gets real.

Fear of Success

“Fear of success” is an interesting phenomenon. Most people have heard of “fear of failure”, where we are scared of failing and all emotions connected to such event, so for people experiencing this, “fear of success” might sound a bit odd. In fact, I believe the two are linked through the fact that they both relate to how we appear in front of other people. 

Fear of success refers to when we are scared of the change that will happen when we achieve success. Change is hard and uncomfortable due to its link to the unknown — so we self-sabotage to ensure that the success in question never occurs and we remain in the comfortable status quo. Procrastination, for example, falls in here. Downplaying one's achievements as well. Just to fit in and not risk the dynamic in relationships to change. 

I have been living like this most of my life, trying to fit into societal norms that didn't serve me. Cultural norms play a big part here, I believe. At least in Sweden, we have something called "the Jante law", which is a hidden rule in society basically saying that if you are above average, don't show it. Just conform. It's a society that wants us to be equal, and normal, and we even have a word for it: "lagom" in Swedish, which means "in between, don't be exceptionally good or exceptionally bad, just neutral". 

So when people stand out and share achievements, it's a bit frowned upon. In silence, of course, nobody would actually dare to say anything, but very often silence speaks louder than words. For me, who has been working extremely hard throughout life and also with all that effort and diligence, lived up to my high expectations of myself and reached all my goals. This meant success: success in school, in my law career, in my handball sports career, and as a fashion model. This meant that I "stood out" from the crowd. And since I didn’t want to be the center of attention or intimidate others with my successes I was taught early on to downplay and "tone down" my achievements, to not speak about them, to never "show off", to just conform. So I did, to fit in. 

However, something inside of me didn't feel whole, and I was constantly feeling as if I had to be someone else to be accepted. It was not until I moved to the USA 10 years ago for 14 months that I could finally allow myself to fully bloom, to showcase all of me, all my successes - and people would appreciate and encourage that. A different culture and society brought that out of me. I understood that American children in school were taught to promote themselves early on, while we were taught the opposite in Sweden, since the group was more important. Socialistic roots probably play a big part here, as opposed to capitalism/competition and the “survival of the fittest”. 

I even remember the Swedish approach being present in my very first running competition. I was probably 6 years old or so. I won the race (I worked hard for it and I won!), but our teacher gave ALL children a gold medal! I believe if this was in the USA only the winning children would get a medal - to celebrate the victory and to give the other children something to aspire to. 

Practicing Humble Confidence

When I moved back to Sweden after 6 years in different countries abroad I had found a way to be very subtle and gentle with showcasing my successes by remembering that it was HARD WORK that got me there and that should be celebrated. A humble confidence. With my Swedish upbringing to show modesty and with a hint of American "success is something to aspire to", I have adapted a middle-way that I am very proud of. A way of being me, while carefully crafting how I show success in a humble way (if I find it necessary to show, sometimes just me knowing what I have achieved is enough satisfaction for me!) and always making sure to celebrate others' success as well since I know how much work is behind it. To always be humble and modest about it, but also to be happy about it -- without downplaying the hard work behind it. 

To be frank, the price of all success for me has been two burnouts and four years on sick leave from work, so I believe we shouldn't glamourize success too much, but actually realistically speak about the reality of it. Your internal worth should come from internal alignment as opposed to external validation. 

To be successful doesn't mean that you are less empathetic, less caring, or less humble. It just means that you are ALL of that PLUS successful! Isn't that something we would want everyone around us to be? The ones who want you well WILL step on that celebration train with you.

Finding My Tribe

Think about where you have your tribe. I definitely found mine when studying to become a certified Stress and Burnout Coach at the Jay Shetty Certification School – a safe place where I felt that I could finally be 100 % myself, with no negative competition and with a lot of amazingly gentle, caring, compassionate, and understanding empaths with enormously big hearts. A safe space to fully express both success and challenges since it was a group that "got it" — who understood that life goes up and life goes down and who wanted to be with me in this whole rollercoaster ride of life. Truly beautiful, and acceptance is the word that comes to mind. Acceptance of the core me. It's liberating and encouraging, and it brings a sense of calm and safety. I hope you will find it at least once in life since this feeling of being heard and validated for who you ARE as opposed to what you DO and someone who selflessly shares your success is rare. In fact, it’s similar to what many clients express that they feel when being coached.

Sharing Success Is a Selfless Act

Something to think about is not just where you find that you can be accepted for your successes, but also in what way you are contributing to others feeling this way when being with you. How accepting are you of others’ successes? What are you doing to help others be the best version of themselves, without jealousy and your own ego getting in the way?

It was this thought that made me dare to start posting my content of how I overcame my burnouts. It all started the day one of my coach supervisors said to me: "Sanna, for every second that you don't post your content, you are potentially depriving someone of being helped by reading your words". 

This wisdom could also be applicable to sharing your success with others: "If you don't share your success you are potentially depriving someone who needs an inspiration, a ‘push’ in the right direction, a role model, something to aspire to". That someone could be you. You doing this could be HELPING someone else. Sharing your success doesn't have to be lonely or seen as you are stepping out of the group. It could be done FOR the group. ❤️